Sunday, December 19, 2010

Considering that the year is about to close, I think I am allow to at least or slowly reflect on the not-so-anticipated-year of 2010. Though having the bad of luck most of the time, I am glad that I have learned a lot of valuable lessons throughout the year.

Today itself, I shall just talk about my encounter with love/relationship in 2010.

I once revealed that I am actually a very closeted person. Up till the year 2009, I have been very careful with my movements and most of the time will not  even reveal my true self to the circle of new friends I made. Somehow, in 2010, I got more daring and more out.

Opened up to few of my female colleagues (and now to the office) on living the fabulous gay life, and went to more gay-friendly places. Went clubbing very often, every now and then. Trying my luck to know more people and expanding my social network.

Closely, this year I fell in love with two men. Never gotten myself into a relationship with them as towards the end I realized that all they were looking for was a fuck buddy, yet still giving myself a little hope. To the first guy I met, you are a mature being, I assume you are wiser. Hence, I thank you for the advices you gave. To the second guy which I went all crazy over you, take note that I might be the booty call but you are just the rebound guy. Up till now, I still question your true intentions. From now till the future, I can't really foresee what's going to happen.

Being with them, made me realized that the trade in getting someone to fall for you is to be expensive. Play hard to get, and eventually they will come giving you more attention. You might ask, why in the first place would they want my attention. It's not that I am so good looking, nor do I have a perfectly toned physique. Somehow when you play the ignorance card once in a while, they will accommodate the game. And do trust me, it gives you the upper hand.

Seriously, I am having a dilemma on this part of my life. Do I bring them over to 2011, remain friends. Do I still hold my feelings towards the second guy, as till now there is no clear answer from him or I should just put a stop to all these ? I don't know how to prioritize and can't dictate the next steps.

Should I even be developing philophobia now ?

I know I will have to make a decision in the end, till then may the highest bidder wins.


tuls said...

its really up to you lor.. but i will try to leave them all behind and move on.. 2011 will be without them!! dono how to prioritize then learn lor!! prioritize yourself first, go pamper yourself and indulge and dont think about guys.. haha.. let it come to you? or maybe just close enuff for something to happen lor.. :)

Chen Xing said...

I am actually feeling better now. Somehow I just need to be thankful for this priceless and experience. Reluctant to forget about it, but then behind the blanket of lies and deceptions, I felt happy for a while.

Now that it has been revealed, the truth hurts in the beginning. Now, am recovering.

Don't worry, I will know what to do next.


Skyhawk said...

So...I m curious to know what will you do to these 2 guys?

Chen Xing said...

The first guy, I have actually moved on from loving him. Thinking whether we should stay friends.

Whereas for the second guy, day by day, the true color seems to be more obvious than before. But hey, who am I to judge nor in any position criticize. Somehow will just stop communicating with him, till he initiates.

If they are happy right now, why can't I be happy as well ? If not for them, at least for myself.

Hence next year, the keyword is to be happy while not forgoing respect for myself, love for myself.


simonlover said...

Hahahaha..Another curious thingy...2010 has so far been an eye-opener to you. So, did you "lose" your virginity this year or instead had more wonderful.... than the previous years?!!! Hahahahaha....TEasing u only ya! Great to hear you're enjoying gay life more! Muacks.

Chen Xing said...

@simonlover: Well, indeed an experience for me to been through the hardship of love/relationship this year.

I am smart. I gave them only half of what's in me. Let's put it this way, I have no regrets.


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