The Work & The Bee

It's not as what you are thinking right now.

I have been busy.

The past week and the past weekend. Having a little stress, somewhat tiny feeling of depression and a whole lot of work for me to do. Yes, I am back to being busy. Just love it as when you are busy, it challenges you so much that it drives you to just want to complete the work that you are given to.

Busy, part of me feeling guilty.

From the previous entry, I have mentioned that I attended 3 interviews. Well, it's not that I really need to change my current job that badly, but then just trying out my luck here - who knows right ? So, the third interview I had, went pretty smoothly. People were friendly to me, and we had a nice chat overall. Not sure, but then if the pay is what I am asking for and they do want me in, then I might just jump to that agency. A little relief in me as without those job interviews keeping me occupied, I think I'll highly be depressed till dead.

Smile and laugh, thank god I am happily alive and very much pumped-up right now.

Busy, part of me feeling happy.

Somehow, the start of this week gave me a whole new inspiration/motivation to work. Despite seeing me substituting love with a lot of food last weekend, I am ready to be inspired again and get my act back together. I have been given a task to come up with 2 set of proposals for my client. Just can't wait to see the end results. Plenty of research to be carried out, a lot of crazy ideas to pour in. Just makes you think that, when feeling inspired, life is just so so exciting to live.

Well, getting sleepy now. But then do trust me, despite being busy, blog updates will still carry on.

So this is all about the work and the busy bee, me.

Counting 1 2 3

There's only 1 reason why I am feeling this way right now, love. Not that I am in love. But then I guess I am slowly learning to understand what's the true meaning of love: to love someone and to be loved in return. Though I am almost there in reaching the end of what I thought a perfect fairytale, I didn't get the happily ever after ending. Just not yet.

This week, I find myself blasting my ears with 2 new albums: The Beginning by The Black Eyed Peas and Body Talk by Robyn. I guess I need the beat in the music to assist my heart to just continue pumping. Not that I am giving up, but then I just want to find some comfort in the tune, upbeat tempo someone will lift you up. The Body Talk album by Robyn, I find it so much well describing my feelings. Lost, and heartbroken, all those got to do with the dark side of love. Overall, the albums just make me wants to put on my grooving-shoes and just dance to shake all those feelings out.
 
[Gosh, now I recalled how you used to say you would lift me up with your strong arms when I am feeling down.]

3 is the number that I am glad in looking forward to. That's the number of job interviews that I'll have to attend this week. Attended one interview yesterday, and two more to go, tomorrow. Just like love, I am not sure. I'll just present myself flawlessly and if I got offered by two agencies, then I'll have the choice to choose.

If only life is as easy as 1, 2, 3...

Wish me luck!

Serious Question

So I've finally asked him the question, all over again. Though it's not that kind of direct question I asked, somehow it gotten linked to it and I got my answer finally. Of course it's not the reply that I wanted to hear, but then I am just glad that I have finally made him to come clean about our friendship of 8 months.

Too soon for me to ask again?

So, I started off with the statement "I am sensing that you are not really keen in getting to know me". He paused for a moment and replied "Aren't we friends all these while, why suddenly pop-up this question". To me we are friends, but then to you I am not so sure because friends or not, there's always the two-way thing when it comes to communicating.

Then he added, "We are far away, I didn't think anything further than that". I am totally agreeable to what he said. Long distance relationship, won't really workout in most cases. Only small percentage of people actually made it through. Again, my friend said "How can he be in a position to question this issue". True, it's as if he didn't give us a chance to really know each other deeply. I mean it's a little weird for me to ask from you the commitment. All I am wanting from you was to be closer than usual. Though physically apart, I believe we can still connect when we chat most of the nights online.

I asked, "If I am now there, then I would get a total different answer?". You said "That I can assure you. And if I am in KL, then we could have been together". Does that mean that you like me too? Or plainly just to make me feel good.

You used to be the drive for me at work. Every night, or every morning, I will just think of you as I am eager to chat with you. Now, I am not sure. As you have given your answers to me, I can't even tell  whether we are still friends or not.

To make matter worst, I text-ed you last weekend. I was drunk and I just need to find an excuse. Your reply once again, seems that you just want to push me away and further apart.

I have asked the serious question to the first guy that I really think we could be possible. I have gotten my reply and sadly, that seems to be the ulitimate issue. I'll have to admit, at first I was kind of relief after hearing what he said. That lasted for few hours, then I am back to analyzing things.

Don't worry folks. Despite what had happened, life still goes on.

What's On Your Mind Now ?

Resulting from the past few entries, and what I had been through the past week. Indeed I am no longer feeling confuse but then just lost. Somehow, I need somebody to guide me out of this maze. Once out, I think I can be on my own proudly.

I Am Now Afraid

Scared. Lonely.

I have lost all my means to get you to love like know open up to me.

Tell me. Just tell me ways that I could follow in order for you to get closer to me. Seriously, I don't want to be a freak. I don't want you to see me as a stalker nor to view me as an annoying silly boy who keeps on chasing for your attention. I don't want you to have that kind of perception towards me.

You told me, it's alright for me to sort of "disturb" you. But then again, I question your approval now. I have open up to you so much and to make it worst I think will never like a man like how I like you again.

Again, I told you that I miss you most of the time, and at this very moment, I still do. I know I cannot keep on professing my love to you, the more I confess the more you will be afraid and the less value it has on the word "miss you" and "love you" or even "like you".

So now, I choose to be afraid. Instead of me annoying you, perhaps I should just slowly drift away and if can quickly fades from your presence. "One hand claps, makes no sound" that's what my friends said, and as an advice I should just treat you as a normal friend. I know I am in no position to demand anything from you as I like you more than you like me. The truth is, love hurts and it's painful.

Maybe you just view me as an ordinary person.

Then tell me, is it true that all men just want to get into another man's pants. Short-term fling and fun that they are looking for? I wish you are not one of them, sincerely.

Do you see any possibility in us?

And so sorry, that I step into your live without you wanting it to happen.

If that's the case, I should just choose to be afraid.

Visual & Copy

Few years back, I expressed myself creatively through what I coined as "visual communications". Pictures or artworks, I like to post up beautiful things that when you look at it you will just be satisfied and smile. That explained why I so love to be the star of my own pictures that much, and during my free time I just caged myself in my room and spent countless of hours in front of my laptop designing stuff or even editing pictures.

That was then.

Now, I find myself expressing my creativity or my thoughts through words. Hence the passion for blogging. I want to take it as a medium whereby, not only I can pour my heart out but then also to put in some creative writing into it. It's time for me to balance things up as in order to stay creative, you got to always feed yourself with creative materials.

Was taught to look at beautiful things, but then never once told to appreciate words.

I am glad that now, I am sort of know what keeps me going day to day basis. Though have yet to really understand the full purpose of life, but then to me, now it's like a small step of revelation to making my life meaningful. Despite what I am going through, all the sadness, drama, depression and confusion, I am just glad that I still have you - my creativity.

I Belong to Fashion

The reason why I am here once again, is to wait for him to chat with me. He said that we could chat tonight as he was busy at work just now. His messenger is on, but the status is put to away. His Facebook chat, sometimes he is online and sometimes he is not. At least that's what I am observing.

Chatting with my colleague and she suggested that I should probably get a hobby to focus on, or simply just focus on my career if it's any easier.

So here it goes:

I always have a flare for fashion. I love beautiful clothes, I like to see models on the runway, I am keen to know how to make clothes and I am just so thankful for the art.

Always, when we are working, we question ourselves with the "what if" question. What if I took the other road instead of this one, or what if I study this instead of that? Life would totally be a different story. In a way, somehow we self-doubt ourselves, questioning the current situation that we are living.

It's alright as sometimes, having a Plan B dream proves that we are well prepared with great possibilities. So for me, career wise, I don't really know but then somehow fashion is like the other field which I want to explore. Not that I am well verse in it, as I personally believe as long as there's interest in it then I can make it too since advertising and fashion does have something in common. Both fields, just so compatible - making things presentable.

If I am in fashion, I would totally be a:

1. Stylist - I just love all the mix and match thingy. Making one looks good, is just so rewarding to me. Not easy as you'll have to keep up with trends, study your client well and an overall eye of perfections.

2. Fashion Magazine Editor - Okay, maybe editor is a little too ambitious. As long as I am in a publication side, I am happy with it.

3. Runway coach/model - Which ever turns out, I just want to strut my stuff. But then I don't think so I am fit for the latter one.

4. Fashion Designer - Yup. Everything that got to do with art and designing, better holler my name. Though I know that making clothes is no easy job, I just want to get creative.

I know it sounds gay, but then again it's the field where most of us belongs to. I guess that's all I can think of. Just another set of opportunities that I am keen in getting myself to grab it. Who knows, 10 years down the road, I might switch field.

Materialistically Superficial

When you are small, you are asked to describe your ideal man (traditionally this question is directed to young girls). Time changed, but then the age old question still remains the same. With the answer, serving as a guide to young people out there in finding their true love.

May it be Mr. Right or Prince Charming, girls and gays tend to answer this question with many positive attributes to the unknown lover that they will get in the future. You must be telling lies if you said, what's matter is the heart of the person. Take that as the first level of the answer, slowly dissect it and trust me, you are either superficial or materialistic.

To answer this honestly, I would say that I fall to the superficial side of the story. I look at the person's appearance first, that is his face then only to other personalities he projects, and then of course to his perfectly toned body, sense of humor and so on.

As much as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the "superficiality" level  in one's mind can't be judged or being compared with others. So happens that, that one guy is like the hot type to the majority of the crowd, then will I be viewed as highly superficial? Or if the look of the guy is not likely to appeal to the majority of the group, then will I be viewed as having no taste at all? I don't think so.

Some will just skip everything on the outside and dig deeper to the inside. Digging deeper to the man's pocket. They will go for the money as they believe it can make them happy. It will definitely buy you happiness (not forever though), at least enough to make both of you happy throughout the moment you two are together.

So in order not to overly stress on either side of the "stereotypically-labeled-criteria", one must know how to balance these two when finding a perfect lover to start a relationship. Meaning, not so superficial and not so materialistic.

Just my thought though.

So, to all the beautiful people out there, enjoy the video link given!

Friends

OMG! I can't believe it that I spent almost 2 consecutive days to watch this drama.

Well, I have watched it before way back in high school and somehow wanting to watch it again as I need to find something to relate to. I got to be honest that the lead actor, Won Bin, is just too adorably cute and hot and sexy.

I like the story line and now I am slightly even more depress. As I am only in the midst of the perfectly pictured happy ending portrayed towards the end of the drama. Though, there's a lot of ups and downs in the movie, indeed well worth the time watching it. Try watching it alone. I cried at certain parts of the drama. Simply too touching.

Here's the first part of the drama. If you have the time, watch it.

I don't know. But then I am wishing for a happy ending myself too!

:P

The Great Betrayal

Imagine having a partner for almost 8 years. Happily together for the first few years of the romance, later on, it turns into an actual serious commitment.

No more love, no more passion.

Reason being together, is again commitment. Having to pay for mortgage, car loans and other shared expenses. Hence, opening up their relationship into something what we termed as open-relationship. Both will find their on fuck-buddy and make-out. To one extreme, one might even try to con build another set of "relationship" with another person, further expanding a deceiving web of relationships which in the end brings no meaning to either party.

Tell me, is this love or just an excuse to get laid with strangers?

How can one, if their love to each other is so strong, committing this sort of sinful act? What is an open-relationship afterall?

Somehow it's funny, in a way I am glad that I am single though very much am ready for a relationship right now.

Here am I finding myself sleeping with the player all over again though my heart now is focusing on someone else. Committed a sin? But then I am single, and the player is not. Who is the great sinner now?

All I know is that, if you are in a relationship, then there's another set of rules to follow. A different one. One which binds us even closer with our partner, whom we love and adore.

A Place For A Suit

I am supposed to update an entry yesterday. But then I got myself occupied, chatting with him. Simply because he needed to kill time while waiting for his haircut, I don't mind accompanying him as we chatted a lot and a step closer to knowing each other.

I have stressed before or I want more from him. I am hoping in few months time, the IM-ing can turn into something else. Something like phone conversations.

I miss him but then cannot tell him because I don't want him to view me as a desperate freak though deep down inside I have a lot of affections towards him.

So this entry is not about him. It's more to me.

To be honest, I have been doing nothing in the office for the past one month. I am not learning and I am not busy which both translate to unhealthy working environment. It seems to me that there's no motivation in work. Although there's been new campaigns, somehow I am not being involved. I can be lazy and just come into the office from 9-6, sit down and do nothing while getting paid. I don't want this kind of working life! No, I don't.

So thanks to that respond my copywriter gave to me last week, I am finally determined enough to finish updating my resume. Glad and happy, as I gave a fresh new layout to it. So I have sent out my applications to few agencies just to try out. Who knows, just in case the offers are much better then I might as well grab the opportunity while it last. Wish me luck.

I am not saying that I don't like to work at the current agency, only that I need a reason to hold on to it.

So any of you people out there in the advertising industry, if you are looking for a suit, then please inform me. I am available for hire.

Hang With Me

A year wiser. Seriously, not wanting to blog about just anything yet as I want to do some reflections.

Am glad that in the end you texted me, and again you used that sweet little nickname which I mentioned before that only that special someone can only use it on me.

Somehow you got me very confuse every time you call me by that name. The other day when I asked, you laughed. Moment ago, we were chatting. You headed off for a shower, never then we continued the chat after that.

If only you are reading this blog, this particular entry.

"Will you tell me once again
how we're gonna be just friends?
If you're for real and not pretend
then I guess you can hang with me

When my patience's wearing thin
When I'm ready to give in
Will you pick me up again?
Then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me

When you see me drift astray
outta touch and outta place
will you tell me to my face?
then I guess you can hang with me

And if you do me right
I'm gonna do right by you
And if you keep it tight
I'm gonna confide in you
I know what's on your mind
there will be time for that too
if you hang with me
hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree you can hang with me

Just don't fall
recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be
All heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity
if we agree

Oh you can hang with me
Hang with me"

Here's the alternate version, a remix version which I find it much better than the original one. Click here to listen to it.

Seven Eleven

So finally the day comes.

It's my birthday today. I enjoyed the past 2 days, not really sure what I'll be up to today. Perhaps I am going to continue indulging myself with great things making it a memorable one, though this year without my dad wishing me Happy Birthday.

I am glad that I am now a year wiser. As much age is just a number, still I can't deny that I am a year older. Nothing much to wish for other than the well-being of myself, family and friends.

I was expecting a Birthday wish from him, thought he will text me or call. So far, nothing yet. It's alright. What about a wall post in Facebook? Still waiting.

Will probably blog about my Birthday in another entry.

Happy Birthday!

M-IFW

It was indeed a glamorous Friday night for me, attending a fashion show as well as hanging out with my friends for supper, later on.

Typically, Friday nights would be my movie-day. Going to cinema and catching a movie. But then, the recent Friday was a little different in tune.

Thanks to the invite by my colleague, I got to be her plus one to one of the shows in conjunction with the Malaysia International Fashion Week (M-IFW). She was reluctant to go at first simply because it's not really her thing, but then knowing that I am kind of a fashion-person, she asked me whether I would like to accompany her. Thank god I did. Not only that I got to see the celebrities who came to the show, I managed to catch a glimpse on that uber sexy designer who was also there showcasing his Spring/Summer 2010 collection.

Yes, it's Bernard Chandran. Damn sexy! Instant orgasm when he walked up the stage. Those tank top, tight brief, and the sheer sarong and not to mention his ripped body - most gay guys would just want more from him. Too bad, he is married with 5 children. Just kept me thinking, how he balance the yin and the yang in his life?

Themed the 'Asia Magic Gala' Night, 5 top local designers participated in the fashion presentation. Overall, the collections, to me are still a little "high-society" for the Malaysian culture. Most of the pieces, yes it's indeed nice to wear but then somehow it's more to evening, didn't see the whole range by the designers. Though it's more to a haute-couture/avant-garde collection rather than a ready-to-wear/commercial collection, I'll have to admit that secretly, I am loving few pieces shown on the runaway.


But then again, who am I to critic about fashion at this very moment. It's all in the matter of taste and self-preference. The best fashion advise I could give is "to let your personality be the clothes you wear". As simple as that.

Bright Colorful Day

Just a quick shout-out to all who are celebrating the Festival of Lights.

Happy Diwali!

Spiritually Imbalance

I think I have finally figured out what's causing me to be so down and depress for the past few weeks. I think mentally, I am overly cluttered and there is a urge for me to just get few things off my mind at the moment and to put focus on something a little more spiritual.

Peace of mind is what I need as I think I am just too tired from everything happening in  my life.

Imagine where you came to a point when you start to question about life? What's the whole purpose and how can we avoid from living a difficult one. Can we achieve that? Definitely, but at the same time going through bad experiences are also part and parcel of it in the process of shaping a good life into our future.

I always believe that one will have to endure hardship first before actually becoming successful. I am seriously okay with that, but what I am lacking is the ability to endure the emotional torture. It's tough, but I am hanging on.

Always give yourself a moment to reflect on life once in a while. Make it a routine as it will help to clear the stress away. If there's a need to cry then cry. If you are feeling happy, then smile.

Poison & Perfect Nightmare

No, it's not about what's happening in my life right now though indirectly the title has got something to do with it.

It's getting late and I am supposed to be asleep now but then I am thinking, and thinking. Been stressing me for about 3 days now and somehow these songs came to me at the right moment. I relate myself to the lyrics of one song very closely and find the other one very strong and high spirited, making me feeling like a kick-ass superhero (taking down those unfaithful gay guys out there who cheated on their partner while on the quest of searching for true love) having a deep secret with the fear of falling in love again.

Wow, that's music. Sad love song then followed by a pick-me-up, strong uptempo beat to be cheerful again.

Here's part of the lyrics from the first song:

"Keep telling myself that it's not worth it
I already know I don't deserve it
But if it's from you I don't mind hurting
This is my perfect nightmare"

Somehow I just noticed that this Shontelle girl sings sad sad love songs that you can put your body to groove. It's as if the whole song and the music video is dedicated to me.

And I am now inspired by the video below to create something interesting for this blog. Hopefully I will be able to accomplish it thus filling up my spare time and turning the obsession towards him to become less.

Owh! Can't embed the second video. Anyway, you can check it out here.

Now, are you ready for a superhero?

Firework

This got to be my new song obsession.

I find this song to be very self empowering, especially when you watch the video. It's just so meaningful. Definitely a theme song for me till end of the year.

Boom boom boom, even brighter than the moon moon moon.

Hope you guys find it inspirational. Ever feel like giving up, turn to such melody for the lift.

Welcome to November

Today marks the first day of November, somehow I am getting a good vibe of this month. Or perhaps it's just because that my birthday falls in this month?

This is the month where you will say "Hey, one more month till December". Indeed, very fast. It was like as if I have just started working not so long ago and still trying to adapt to the working life. But the fact is, I have been through a lot up till this time.

I am glad, sad, relief and whole lots of mixed feeling. Though I can just be happy with a sigh, slightly to a positive tone.

Just want to achieve more in this month till the end of the year.

So here's a short update from me till the next one comes.